The entries were all great, honestly. I vote for annon, however. I liked the "twist" in the end. The reveal that it is a 43 year old man's mom who is running circles around him. That is great showing, not telling.
Mary Witzl said:
The Anonymous Writer's mother/son pair are a wonderful surprise because the reader is so certain they are a married couple.
This is really difficult for me because we had 3 good entries. Yes, only 3. I wrote the Anonymous entry hoping to inspire you and Cyn hit on exactly what I wanted to see in each entry – SHOW, DON’T TELL!
I said to create a character between 55 and 70, and the first thing you all did was TELL me how old they were. Depending on the reader, that can create a first impression difficult to overcome. That was my main objection to the 3. Here are my opinions on them.
I like that June cares about herself and how she looks, keeps herself fit, has a career that keeps her busy and doesn’t feel compelled to provide babysitting services to her grandchildren at every opportunity. You were about 100 words over the 250 limit and I feel you tried too hard to overcome the fact she was 65 and a grandmother of 3. I wish you had started out telling us about her busy career and walking 50 blocks a day and then moved into the other facts.
You didn’t need to tell us John was 70. Placing him in the Korean War as a gangly boy gives us his approximate age. The trophy wife thing was a bit of overkill. The second paragraph was very descriptive and having him take flying lessons at his age is a very nice touch. I might have ended it by having the pilot say something like, “What a great birthday present to yourself.”
If you hadn’t told me Joyce’s age in your intro, I never would have known. I like that she had a non-traditional job. My only concern is that you never showed in any way that she was 62. There was nothing to hint at her age and that was what the exercise was about. Overall though a good job
I liked each entry and appreciate you all for making the effort. However, I feel Church Lady came closest to what I was trying to demonstrate.
Congratulations Chris. Send me an e-mail and we’ll get your gift certificate to you.