Monday, May 26, 2008

Another reason being old can suck

If I'd had this surgery 20 years ago, I'd be doing cartwheels and climbing Mt. Rainier by now. My body always recovered quickly - until now!

So today, instead of taking advantage of all the sales and buying more shoes so Doreen, Polly and Robin don't overtake me, mowing the lawn, cleaning the house, enjoying all the Memorial Day activities and getting on with life.......

I'm wrapped up like an Eskimo on the chaise lounge, eating toast, Campbell's regular chicken noodle soup, tea, juice, bananas and water, popping pain pills because every time I try to wean myself from them the pain returns, wearing an incredibly uncomfortable ugly white collar, wearing even uglier anti-embolism stockings and feeling sorry for my pitiful self.

What a woos!

There is some good news. I took a shower this morning - being extremely careful not to get soap on my neck - and even washed my hair. Do you know how hard it is to wash your hair when you can't bend your neck or get soap on it? Let's just say an hour's nap was required after that. I also washed the protective covering on my collar and the lovely socks. They may not be comfortable, but they're clean.

Belle has been pouting for days. Every time I open the door to let her out to poo, she gets so excited because she thinks we're going for a walk. Major disappointment = major pouting!

Anyway, I could use some cheering up. Jokes, stories - hit me with your best shots! Please!

11 comments:

Travis Erwin said...

Here's a joke I found funny, but then again I work for the post office.

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'

He says 'Yes - just caffeine'

'Have you ever been in the service?"

'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'

The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment, and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, 'Yes 100%...an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'

The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'

The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?

'This is a government job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.'

Ello said...

You are not old! And you are not a woos. You are too cranky to be a woos! ;o)

No I don't blame you for being cranky. In your shoes, I would be a crazed demanding diva that everyone would hate.

So jokes or stories, huh?

Youngest came over to me this morning, lifts up my shirt and proceeds to use her little goose stuffed animal to peck at my belly button. I asked her what she is doing and she said, "Goosey is hungry so she is eating all the yucky stuff in your belly button." I just want to clarify that I do not have belly button cheese!!!!!

Erica Orloff said...

Hmm . . . no jokes. But you can read my Demon Baby blog and laugh at how pathetic my life often is. ;-)

GET WELL SOON, ANTI-WIFE!!!!

E

P.S. I will light a candle for you tomorrow morning with my prayers. Even if you're not a Buddhist. I'll cover that base for ya, OK?

Robin said...

So sorry, Anti! It sucks to be sick. I totally relate to the not healing at "our age" thing. It bites big time. If you go to www.edcarlson.com, and click on "Alt 5 productions, and then on projects, you can hear my pathetic stand up comedy efforts at the Reading Comedy Club. That should cheer you up just being glad you're not me.
Feel better, soon!

ChrisEldin said...

Cyber hugs......

Good one, Travis!
:-)

The Anti-Wife said...

Sorry it's taking me so long to reply. The 10 naps per day could have something to do with it.

Travis,
LOVED IT!!! You rock!

Ello,
Your kids are adorable! Thanks!

Erica,
I love Demon Baby. He's a fabulous child. And thanks for the candle.

Robin,
Soon as I can stay awake for more than a few minutes at a time, I'll pop over to the site. I need a good laugh right now!

Chris,
Hugs back and thanks!

Demon Hunter said...

AW,
I can't think of anything funny right now...sorry. Plus I'm at work. But go back and read my post from 2007 about Words Do Hurt. That'll give you a laugh. :*)

alex keto said...

Only hopeful is that at least you will be better.
hard to compete with Travis's joke

cindy said...

aw, feel better soon! i know it's a drag for you and the furry bub, but i know you'll recuperate and be better than new!

you know my good news and i hope it brightened your day. i know that you understand my accomplishment even better than my own mother. (she doesn't seem to quite believe me or truly "get it". i think she will when she sees the books in the bookstores. =)

*hugs* rest and heal well and quickly!

wordtryst said...

The Zipper

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.

A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit
puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was
that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a
little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?"

The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said: "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags".

Hope you feel better soon!

Mary Witzl said...

I had whiplash once and remember how hellish washing my hair was; (it didn't help that it was past my waist back then).

My (blonde) daughter loves blonde jokes, so here goes:

A blind man in a bar asks the guy sitting next to him if he wants to hear a blonde joke.

His neighbor responds angrily: "I'm blonde and I have a black belt in karate; the bartender's blonde and she's 6' 2"; the guy on the other side of you is blonde and a weight lifter. Are you sure you want to tell a blonde joke?"

"Nah," answers the blind man. "Not if I have to explain it three times."