Sunday, July 27, 2008

Honesty

My last post and all the comments discussed authenticity. Most of us seemed to agree that in some situations social decorum might be better than outright honesty. To me, there are some circumstances that require absolute honesty. For example;

Occasionally I delude myself into thinking my Mr. Right is still out there looking for me. In those moments of weakness, Match.com usually gets another 3 months worth of my hard earned pay. After numerous winks, e-mails and even a few quick encounters at Starbucks, no one has managed to hold my attention long enough to continue the exploration. The chemistry was non-existent.

My profile is honest and my pictures are recent and that’s what I expect from others. I’m baffled by those who post false information. A while ago I received an e-mail from Mr. X who said he read my profile and thought we would be a great match. He invited me to read his profile and respond if I was interested.

His profile stated he was divorced, 5’10”, athletic and toned, seemed to indicate he was stable and sane and his pictures didn’t bark at me from the page. A couple of e-mails later we agreed to meet at a Starbucks near my office. I own stock in Starbucks, so everyone has to meet me there to contribute to my retirement.

I walked into Starbucks in my 3 inch heels, which make me 5’10” tall, and looked around for someone matching his description/picture. I ordered my drink, and sat down when a man walked up to my table and asked if I was me. He didn’t look anything like Mr. X, so I thought this was a friend of his that was either scouting me out, or telling me he couldn’t make it.

It was Mr. X.

I stood up and towered over him by at least 4 inches. In his pictures he had hair, but in reality he had almost none and his belly was doing flops over his belt.

RED FLAG

I said, “You don’t look like your picture.”

He said, “Oh, that was taken about 10 years ago. I didn’t have a recent one and my wife threw away everything else.”

RED FLAG

I said, “I thought you were divorced.”

He said, “We’re in the process, but she wants everything so my lawyer and I are holding out. You know how it is.”

BRIGHT RED Flag

I said, “No, I don’t. I’ve never been married. Your profile also said you were 5’10” tall and athletic and toned.”

He said, “Yeah, I know. If you don’t say those kind of things most women won’t e-mail you back. I’ve been on Match.com long enough to know that.”

BRIGHT RED WAIVING FLAG

I picked up my drink and purse and said, “Thanks for meeting me here. I have to go.”

He said, “Is that it? You’re leaving just because I’m not tall and handsome enough?”

I said, “No. I’m leaving because you lied. You lied about your height, body type, and marital status. It makes me wonder what else you lied about or might lie about in the future.”

And I left.

Everyone has flaws and problems. How we handle them says a lot about our character. Lying in a social situation by pretending you’re having a good time when you aren’t is, to me, forgivable. Lies like Mr. X told aren’t.

What do you think, and what would you have done?

25 comments:

Trée said...

AW, I would have done that exact same thing you did, but might not as been as nice. Nothing gets under my skin more than lying. Rape and plunder me and I might forgive you. Lie to me and we have nowhere to go.

Kim Stagliano said...

Hmmm, depending on my mood, I'd have muttered a swear at him and walk out OR I'd have let him buy me a triple venti quadruple shot latte and four scones and one of those giant rice krispie bars and a k.d. lang CD and a new set of coffee mugs and an Italian coffee maker and a sandwich to pop into my purse for lunch later on as I flounced out yelling, "Liar! Liar! Sans-A-Belt's on Fire!"

That said - I'm sorry you went through that. A lie isn't a cool place to begin. Althought he occasional lie is OK in a marriage. I just posted about that today - after an unfortunate utterance by my husband about a new swimsuit I'd bought.

Cheers/WOOF!

KIM

Maya Reynolds said...

AW: I'd have done exactly what you did.

Good for you for telling him why.

ChrisEldin said...

I hope I would've had the courage to do the same. Good on you. Yes, liars have deep character flaws. *shudders*

I'm sorry it turned out like that. But are you writing these folks into your work? I LOVE your descriptions (especially the belly flopping over the belt!)

Robin said...

Hilarious scenario, Anti. I'm jealous that you thought of such a scathing remark on the spot like that. I probably would have faked diarrhea and hid in the bathroom till he left. But I would have wanted to say what you did!

Jeni said...

I'm thinking I probably would try to make a speedy exit -not sure I would be confident enough to explain exactly why I was leaving though, although it would have been for the reasons as you stated to him. Way to go though!

Barbara Martin said...

I would have done exactly the same thing. Best to tell them upfront what the problem is, then leave. And, smart you for meeting a strange man in a public place.

John Elder Robison said...

What do I think? You should date an Aspergian. We don't - as a rule - engage in that kind of subterfuge. We say what we think, and we aren't tricky.

People often remark that "I look just like my pictures" as if that's unusual. They say, "You sound just like your writing," as if that's unusual too.

What do they expect me to look and sound like? It's like people are primed for deception and it's a relief when someone plays it straight. Is it that unusual?

I read stories like yours and wonder what the guy was thinking . . . may he figured you all lie.

To me, if I were fat, bald, and unappetizing, I would see one of two possibilities:

1) I would resolve to accept the kind of girl who'd be interested in a pig like me.

2) I would get into shape to attract a wider variety of more appealing girls.

The idea that I could acquire a desirable girl by trickery is just foolish.

John Elder Robison said...

You got me thinking . . . there are two nice single Aspergian guys I know out here from the Asperger Association get-togethers . . . one 55, one 61, both successful, in good shape, and not tricky.

You live in a major metropolital area. There must be suitable guys out there.

If I were looking for a female, I don't think I'd look on a site like match because I believe (as you illustrated) that the largest part of the ads are deceptive, and most of my time would therefore be wasted.

I think I would seek situations where I could meet and engage prospects in a natural setting.

Travis Erwin said...

I think you did the right thing and I applaud you for the courage to do so. Maybe the guy will now reevaluate his approach.

Merry Monteleone said...

AW,

Unfortunately, some people lie and they very rarely think about how much it irritates them to be lied to.

I doubt this guy got any sort of growth or lesson from the exchange - he likely blames you for being too shallow to be attracted to him with all of his flaws. And this type of thing is why, with hundreds of people around us, most of us spend the majority of our lives unable to really connect to any of them...

Sorry you had such a bad meeting, but don't let that one cretin dissuade you... there are some honest people out there.

Holly Kennedy said...

This is a great post.
And OF COURSE you did the right thing. The man was a flipping cad, even if he was an eyesore compared to 10 years ago.

I hate liars!

wordtryst said...

I share your disgust. Did he really think he could make a connection that way? I can forgive all sorts of things, but not deception. Begin with lies and you have nowhere to go.

I bet he really believes it's all about his looks, rather than his pathetic lies.

Doreen Orion said...

You did the 2nd best thing. I have to admit, Kim's idea was #1 in my book! (At least up to the flouncing part. I'm not a flouncer.)

Oy, Anti. I also have to admit that after reading this post, I ran to the other end of the house and gave my Goy Wonder a BIG hug.

Sending you good Boulder vibes...

debra said...

Good for you. That he lied was the real issue, wasn't it. Years ago, a friend put an ad in the personals section of a local magazine. Did I mention that she put it in MY name?
I got letters from a variety of folks---some from the state prison wanting to spend time with me in front of a roaring fire (really). And some from men "in the process of divorcing---my wife doesn't understand me." Tricky stuff.

Polly Kahl said...

I think you handled it beautifully and I think John's ideas about meeting men is great too. I hope I'd have the ovaries to do exactly what you did.

Coincidentally, I blogged about this very issue on the singles blog I used to write for the local newspaper. Here's the entry, and I hope the link works.
http://internetservices.readingeagle.com/blog/singles/2006/10/the_old_bait_and_switch.html

Polly Kahl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bernita said...

I think you said and did exactly the right thing.

ORION said...

I agree! Very well done. And hey. Now you got John out there match making for you...

ChrisEldin said...

Oh please go out with one of John's friends and blog about it!
hehehehe!
Okay, you don't have to blog. (as long as you have a hidden camera)

Still kidding!!

But I do love the matchmaking part. Go for it!!
:-)

kyknoord said...

Nice. In similar circumstances, I would probably have said something like, "Yeah sorry, I'm shallow like that. Let me know when you're better looking"

Maddy said...

Good grief that's incredible, but oh so believable. Well done you for taking a stand and marching out, if only you'd had red ticker tape to trail behind you.
Cheers

Mary Witzl said...

When I got to the ending here, I damn near cheered! NOTHING pisses me off more than someone lying like that. Guaranteed if they lie like this in the beginning, they'll get up to serious stuff if you're dumb enough to get involved. Good for you for telling him off!! Kim's solution was fun, but yours was the most satisfying. I might be able to stick through the date long enough to get all those treats, but the steam hissing out of my ears would give me away.

And if you aren't interested in those Aspergians John Robison knows, let me know and I'll go out with them. (Just kidding -- in case my husband is reading this...)

I just had my photograph taken. I had them leave in the crow's feet. They're mine; I've worked hard for them. I'm working on the flabby arms, though.

sexy said...

A片,A片,A片,A片,A片,A片情趣商品,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣,情趣,情趣用品,情趣商品,情趣用品,情趣,情趣,情趣用品,情趣商品,情趣用品,情趣,情趣,情趣用品,,情趣,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣用品.情趣,情趣,情趣,情趣,視訊聊天室,情趣,情趣用品,情趣,情趣用品,情趣用品,情趣麻將,台灣彩卷,六合彩開獎號碼,運動彩卷,六合彩,遊戲,線上遊戲,cs online,搓麻將,矽谷麻將,明星三缺一, 橘子町,麻將大悶鍋,台客麻將,公博,game,,中華職棒,麗的線上小遊戲,國士無雙麻將,麻將館,賭博遊戲,威力彩,威力彩開獎號碼,龍龍運動網,史萊姆,史萊姆好玩遊戲,史萊姆第一個家,史萊姆好玩遊戲區,樂透彩開獎號碼,遊戲天堂,天堂,好玩遊戲,遊戲基地,無料遊戲王,好玩遊戲區,麻將遊戲,好玩遊戲區,小遊戲,電玩快打情趣用品,情趣,A片,AIO,AV,AV女優,A漫,免費A片,情色,情色貼圖,色情小說,情色文學,色情,寄情竹園小遊戲,色情遊戲,AIO交友愛情館,色情影片,情趣內衣,情趣睡衣,性感睡衣,情趣商品,微風成人,嘟嘟成人網,成人,18成人,成人影城,成人圖片,成人貼圖,成人圖片區,UT聊天室,聊天室,豆豆聊天室 ,哈啦聊天室,尋夢園聊天室,聊天室尋夢園,080苗栗人聊天室,080聊天室,視訊交友網,視訊借錢,黃金,黃金回收,黃金價格,黃金買賣,當舖,中古車,二手車A片,A片,成人網站,成人影片,色情,情色網,情色,AV,AV女優,成人影城,成人,色情A片,日本AV,免費成人影片,成人影片,SEX,免費A片,A片下載,免費A片下載,做愛,情色A片,色情影片,H漫,A漫,18成人,情色電影,自拍,成人電影a片,色情影片,情色電影,a片,色情,情色網,情色,av,av女優,成人影城,成人,色情a片,日本av,免費成人影片,成人影片,情色a片,sex,免費a片,a片下載,免費a片下載,成人網站,做愛,自拍A片,A片,A片下載,做愛,成人電影,18成人,日本A片,情色小說,情色電影,成人影城,自拍,情色論壇,成人論壇,情色貼圖,情色,免費A片,成人,成人光碟18成人,成人聊天室,成人電影,成人圖片,成人貼圖,成人圖片區,成人影片,成人文章,成人小說,微風成人區,成人交友,成人文學,成人漫畫,成人遊戲,免費成人影片 ,成人論壇,愛情公寓,情色,色情網站,情色A片,色情小說,情色文學

日月神教-任我行 said...

AV,無碼,a片免費看,自拍貼圖,伊莉,微風論壇,成人聊天室,成人電影,成人文學,成人貼圖區,成人網站,一葉情貼圖片區,色情漫畫,言情小說,情色論壇,臺灣情色網,色情影片,色情,成人影城,080視訊聊天室,a片,A漫,h漫,麗的色遊戲,同志色教館,AV女優,SEX,咆哮小老鼠,85cc免費影片,正妹牆,ut聊天室,豆豆聊天室,聊天室,情色小說,aio,成人,微風成人,做愛,成人貼圖,18成人,嘟嘟成人網,aio交友愛情館,情色文學,色情小說,色情網站,情色,A片下載,嘟嘟情人色網,成人影片,成人圖片,成人文章,成人小說,成人漫畫,視訊聊天室,性愛,性感影片,正妹,聊天室,
情色論壇