Tuesday, August 5, 2008

E-mail updates

This is a slow day at work so I thought you might enjoy sharing the contents of my junk e-mail box. There are only 107 items in there right now. I deleted about 500 last Thursday night, so it’s still recovering.

Lots of people want to give me some training. Do they know something about my current work situation that I don’t?

There are 8 offers for medical transcription programs promising me a bright future and I can start today, work from home and do easy work for great pay. Or I can accept one of the 5 offers to do medical billing. My rewarding career can begin with a nursing degree, or I can take up any one of the 6 current offers for x-ray technician training. If I want to be on the periphery of the medical industry, there are several offers to work in a relaxing environment as a massage therapist or I can take advantage of a wide range of job opportunities in health and wellness centers and spas and resorts.

If I want to stay away from the medical field, Kaplan University is hotly pursuing me with opportunities to learn online while I work. I can become a CSI and get hands on training in forensics. Someone thinks my name is Wilhemina and wants me to know that Google has work available for me. I can even get grant funding from the government for all of these things.

The casting department is looking for actors and movie extras in my area. I always did want to be a star! Helen wants to help me upgrade my skills and advance my career. Janet tells me that local home-workers are needed and Jenny and Denise have information about data-entry positions. Or, I can go to Psychology School! Perhaps the message here is that I need to suck-up to my current bosses a little more.

I’m thrilled to report that I’ve been selected for several Wal-Mart cards and at least 2 Exxon gas cards. Or, even better, a $500 dollar Target gift card. The Wall Street Journal has sent a limited time offer. Dish Network wants to give me 100 channels for only $29.99 per month including HBO a DVR and no cost installation.

Captiva wants to pamper my skin and remove the stretch marks. (Good luck with that one! How many barrels do I get?)

The Acai Berry Association, AHA, American Diet Institute, Janice and Marisa all want to let me know that Acai has been voted 2008 superfood of the year. But does it taste good with chocolate?

My credit score seems to be of great concern. 3-in-1 Credit Report, Credit Report Adviser, Credit Report Center, Credit Security Notice and Credit Report Time all want to assist me in this area.

Aha and the American Diet Institute want to reveal celebrity body secrets to me and WuYiTea is willing to let me know what celebrities know about them. Obviously they know how concerned I am about how celebrities stay so emaciated and artificial looking.

The American Diet Institute and the American Health Association want me to flush up to 50 lbs. Is that 50 lbs of fat or marijuana?

Amy has sent several e-mails about the average US auto insurance rates. Alexandria wants to know why I pay more for my remedys. (Her spelling) Branda has pain remedys (her spelling) at low cost. Damon is offering wholesale prices on all health related items. Pfizer discount is offering a private renewal. (Of what?) In case I have it, both Ringing in Ears and Tinnitus Relief are offering a formula to Stop the Buzz! And, Lorie is offering to ship generic brand remedys quickly and discreetly to my front door.

Approved Auto Loan wants my drivers license for final approval on a loan I don’t know about. Barbain Network will help me find foreclosed homes from 10,000. (They don’t say 10,000 what.)

Car Loan Credit Waiver wants people with the WORST credit possible. (I'm feeling depressed here!) Fuel Solution has a secret to saving me 70 cents per gallon on gas. Funds Available has sent several e-mails about a cash/credit transfer I didn’t make. Truly Affordable Coverage wants to help with my health insurance with instant quotes and expert service. Vacation Flight Card wants to give me a getaway trip for 2. (Do they provide the second person? Do I have a choice among contenders?)

Several people are trying to find me – at least according to Finding People, Person Locator and Reuniting People. Consuelo wants to discuss Next Month with me and Edmond is giving me his phone number in case I need to get hold of him.

And last but certainly not least; Viagra @ genuine Shop wants me to have greater male volume and power and Gustavo Coley wants me to get a bigger penis.

Does that penis come with a man, Gustavo? Do I get to pick him out? I have a list of requirements I can e-mail to you.


Dawn Anon said...

haha! I laughed out loud.

It's almost as though you've peeked into my inbox. Except you missed Uncle George who has chosen me to share his fortune. All I need to do is call him to set up the banking details. And Junior, the adult from an African country who wants me to adopt him and let him call me Mom.

Robin said...

That's hilarious! What? Do I smell bad or something? I only get occasional penile enlargement offers. I reply, "My penis is large enough, thank you very much!"

Jeni said...

Too funny and oh so true too what one's inbox can look like once the freaking spammers get hold of your e-mail addy! What a pain and what a crock too but it did make for some fun reading material here so guess it can't be ALL bad now can it?

Bernita said...

Yours sounds so much more interesting than mine. All I get are offers to fix my "organism" and my male muscle and pleas to buy their knock off watches.

And the word verification is "byigh!"

Demon Hunter said...

ROFL. That was snarkiliciously funny. LOL. ;-) Too funny.

The Anti-Wife said...

Dawn anon,
Now I'm pissed. How come Uncle George and Junior don't want to spam me? Discrimination!! Thanks for visiting.

If you do smell bad, I can probably forward you some great offers for eliminating your body odors.

The Anti-Wife said...

I don't get spam at home. My spam filter there is great. This all comes to me at work. Our spam filters aren't as fierce there because it might filter out some of our customers.
Thanks for visiting!

Sorry to hear your "organism" is unwell. Love the word verification.

Don't you wonder if anyone actually opens, reads and believes these things? There must be a lot of stupid people in this world.

Polly Kahl said...

Dawn and I must be on the same mailing lists. I get junk every week promising me big lottery winnings from Europe or asking me to launder money for some leader of a war-torn underpriveleged country I never heard of, if only I will kndly provide them with my bank account information. And lots of viagra.yieiftpb

Joanne said...

Hi, just found your blog, love the email roundup! Liked the post on memoir too. I've also written a memoir manuscript, and it's a fine line we walk penning the memories, the past. But I think the carefulness helps the craft of writing too?

Mary Witzl said...

This is great stuff, Anti-wife! I'm beginning to feel rather envious. I do get the odd request for money, but most of my nuisance mails are just offers to sell me stationery or help me save the world one signature at a time.

My site meter statistics are more interesting. I get people who are anxious to cultivate Scottish moss or find out the nutritional value of slugs.

John Elder Robison said...

All that's missing are the Nigerian widows and orphans who need help transferring twenty two million ($22,000,000) US dollars, which they will share with you.

And I'm finally coming your way . . . check the blog schedule. Will you be around?