Wisdom of the Aged - Part III

On change

A wise woman once told me, “You can change.” So, I did! It’s harder than hell but it can be done. The most difficult part is convincing people you’ve known for years that you have actually changed. Many people don’t like change and don’t deal with it well. They cling to the past as if to a lifebuoy, afraid of what’s ahead even if what’s behind was worse.

People try to keep you in the past, or continue to make references to how you were instead of letting you move forward. It isn’t always malicious. They may not realize what they’re saying or how they’re acting is hurtful. They haven’t come to terms with their past experiences and allowing you to move forward would force them to deal with their own issues. I understand this and am happy to have found a way out of the maze. I try to live in the present, not the past or the future - to live every day as if it’s the only day that matters because it just may be.

Changing is a constant struggle and requires unwavering attention and introspection. Sometimes to accomplish it, you have to distance yourself from your past. You have to put space between yourself and the memories of who you were. Sometimes that space requires a physical move – far away where you can start fresh without all the people around to remind you of how completely you screwed up your life. It can be emotionally isolating but also liberating. It requires making a decision about what’s most important – placating other people, or making yourself happy.

I don’t blame anyone for my bad choices. That’s the easy thing to do and shifts responsibility for my decisions to others. Once I left home my decisions were all mine. No one forced me to do anything. Some people influenced me more than others but no one controlled my mind. I accept full responsibility for everything that happened to me. I live every day with the knowledge of my past mistakes but I don’t suffer from them anymore. I learned from them and moved on to a much happier life.

I don’t see myself as selling out for not taking my family and others to task for what they did or said to me years ago. I see it more as me taking back control of my life. They no longer have the ability to make me feel bad or inadequate because I won’t let them. They have no more power over me and what I do or how I feel. My choices in life are no longer dictated by what they might think or feel about me.

People who aren’t content with themselves will never be content with another person. Dragging another person into my issues isn’t going to solve them. It’s just going to make two people miserable.

I haven’t forgotten anything from my past. That’s both a problem and an advantage of having a good memory. I remember everything – good and bad, funny and sad, except for a few hours in Haiti, I remember it all. I remember the situations, the emotions that accompanied them and the pain they caused. However, I no longer feel the pain or suffer from the memories. I learned how to put the pain away and replaced it with the comfort of knowing I not only survived it, I grew and prospered.

I’ll never forget. I don’t want to. It keeps me humble and in touch with what’s important. I’m not just a survivor. I thrive. I made a conscious choice to live my life happy. I may be temporarily affected by what people say or do but I have no intention of allowing anyone to permanently change my choice to enjoy life.

I did some pretty stupid things in my past but don’t do them anymore and I don’t allow others to make me wallow in them either. Holding on to memories of how you were wronged is not going to make things right again. Forgiving (or at least forgetting) will. We have to move forward and leave the wrongdoers in our past where they belong.

Choices can be proactive or reactive. You can live life from the outside in, always focusing on external things to provide you with stimulus and meaning, or you can live life from the inside out by giving external things stimulus and meaning. You can live by your own decisions or you can live based on the decisions of others. You can live your dreams or you can live the dreams of others. It’s your choice. You have to define yourself not allow others to do it for you.

I haven’t resolved all the issues in my life, but most things that were so important and urgent 25 years ago are now either non-issues or under control. I appreciate life and have something a lot of people who had cancer or any serious disease will never have - the opportunity to continue working on my issues and looking for solutions.

I have hope for the future and a present full of good friends, a wonderful job, several “families” and a darling dog who thinks I am the greatest – especially when I give her treats. And best of all, I no longer aspire to be a drama queen. I’m very fond of my easy, comfortable, low trauma way of life. If I wasn’t me, I might just envy me!

I have lots of love in my life but not the love of my life. That’s okay. One of those unresolved issues is a fear of relationships. I don’t want to be a hotel again and I don’t want to check into any more hotels. I have too much self esteem now to do that again. There’s a real difference between being alone and being lonely. I recognize the difference and am happier alone than I ever was in a relationship. That doesn’t mean I’ve given up the idea of finding true love, just that without it, it’s still good.

Writing this gives me another opportunity to maintain my perspective. I can focus on the fact I had this health issue – cancer - that overwhelmed me and redirected my life for over twenty five years, or remember that the health issue was my catalyst for change and brought me where I am today. What an interesting conundrum. Did I have the disease, or did I allow it to have me? Or, both? And does it really matter?

Life should be a blessing. Always maintain your perspective. Don’t be afraid to take chances. Don’t be afraid of the unknown. Never give up hope. You can change.

Happy Birthday to me!

Wisdom of the Aged - Part II

More random thoughts.

I’m a simple low maintenance person who considers blush, mascara and lipstick a lot of makeup. My hair is wash and wear and to the chagrin of my hair stylist, I sometimes cut it myself. In fact, I have to change stylists occasionally because they get tired of trying to fix my self-inflicted mistakes.

I don’t look my age unless you get up close enough to see the lines and wrinkles. I smile and laugh a lot so they’re fully visible. No botox for me! Those lines are badges of honor for a life well lived and lessons learned. I’ll age gracefully – unless they come up with a pill to reverse the process – but I only want to reverse it physically and back to about age 25.

I don’t wear makeup on weekends unless I’m going somewhere. Jeans and t-shirts or comfy sweaters suit me just fine. I like being nondescript in stores because salespeople rarely bother with me. This is one time I’m happy to be the invisible woman.

I’m not a born shopper – except for shoes. I usually go into a store with something specific in mind, purchase it and leave. I don’t wander around a store and just look with no purpose in mind. Several friends are serial shoppers and they wear me out. It’s a concept to which I cannot relate.

I’m not in love with my cell phone. People who never lived without one don’t quite understand this. They think if the phone is off their life will stop. There’s such a thing as being too connected. I don’t need to share my every thought with someone as soon as I think it. The important ones will wait and still be there later.

I learned not to make any definitive statements about what I will or won’t do because they usually come back to bite me in the ass. That’s also why I no longer make New Year’s resolutions.

When people ride in my car, I turn off the radio because I like to converse with them, not just mention things in passing during commercials. When alone with the radio on I like all kinds of music, although I never learned to appreciate rap or heavy metal. When I’m driving down the interstate during rush hour with the radio blaring, singing at the top of my lungs and dancing in my seat, other drivers tend to give me a wide berth.

I like to talk to people who are deep thinkers and well informed because they challenge me to see alternate sides of issues and look at life from a different viewpoint. It may be a cliché, but I like to think outside the box and appreciate people who stimulate me to do so. When I’m tired, or my brain hurts from too much thinking all day, shallow thinkers are great. Then I just nod and smile and appreciate the respite.

I’m still doing drugs, but now they all come with prescriptions from my various doctors. Instead of buying them from dealers off the street, or growing them in my closet, I purchase them at Walgreen’s and pay a deductible.

The older I get, the more I get right but my choices seem to be less bold. Twenty years ago I moved every couple of years. Now I’ve owned my house for fourteen years and plan on staying there indefinitely. I used to be a job-hopper but now am happily entering my tenth year at the same company.

I am spiritual, though not part of any organized religion and don’t go to church on a regular basis. But I’m firmly convinced there’s a higher power into which I can tap in times of need. This brings me great peace. I believe someone watches over me, protecting me from harm and preventing me from making any totally irreparable mistakes. I’m glad they’re there and hope they hang around as long as possible. I listen to my intuition and trust it to move me in the right direction or keep me from being downright stupid.

Religion is a very personal thing and evokes deep emotions. Because of that I try not to discuss it with other people. If someone is searching for an answer I steer them to information that will help them discover their own path because the one I’m on may not be right for them. The result of being forced to make a choice that doesn’t ring true is usually chaos.

I live my life at a slower, quieter pace than many people. I think it’s the rural country girl in me trying to return to her roots, but not willing to give up all the conveniences of city life. I appreciate what I have and realize the difference between a want versus a need. Every year I get rid of more stuff and somehow, never miss it.

Occasionally I have moments of great clarity. They happen at the oddest times and always fill me with peace. They seem to be occurring more often with age. I realize, at that very point in time, I am right here in the present. My past and my future don’t matter. I get a peaceful feeling, forget all my worries and fears and enjoy the experience of just being.

I’m not prefect – not yet! I still talk myself out of doing things before giving them a chance to happen. I can have an idea, build it up, and make it progress into something wonderful, then come up with all kinds of reasons why it won’t work. Therefore I don’t even try it in the first place because I’ve already decided it was doomed before the start.

I can be discouraged and have a hard time shaking off criticism or negativity. So much of it was dumped on me in the past; it’s difficult not to focus on it. I’m moving beyond the old patterns of discouragement and criticism and when things seems overwhelming, remember the old saying, “The best way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time.” There are signs in my cubicle at work and office at home that say, “I will not be discouraged!”, to remind me to focus on the positive and good in my life because there’s so much of that now.

I don’t drive looking in the rear view mirror. I may glance at it occasionally for perspective but what’s in my field of vision is what’s most important. The present is precious and a great gift. Learning to appreciate what’s here and now is a difficult but invaluable lesson. And I don’t worry too much about the future – plan for it but don’t worry about it.

The final bit of wisdom comes on the big day - tomorrow.

Wisdom of the Aged

In anticipation of my big day on Friday, I'm sharing some random pieces of wisdom gained from years of making mistakes.

Random Thoughts
Life is a series of choices. Unhappiness and misery are a choice. I deserve all the misery I experienced because I chose it. I also deserve all the good and happiness because that was also my choice. I no longer feel sorry for people who have the intellectual capacity but aren’t proactive in their own situations. I can certainly empathize with them but I don’t sympathize with them.

It’s more important to be happy than to be right. I didn’t consider how detrimental my stubbornness was to my happiness, and how hurtful it was to others. In examining my actions sometimes the things about which I most needed to be right were not really important.

The world is filled with love and happiness and we will find what we’re looking for when we know what we want. This was a difficult concept for me because since early childhood I’d never known real love and happiness. I had no idea what I really wanted and how it was supposed to look and feel. There was no role model to go by. There was no list and no rules to guide me. When I learned to look for the good – I found it.

Every person we meet is a reflection of ourselves. We learn something from them all, and the briefest encounters or the longest relationships provide opportunities for growth. Since I didn’t particularly like a lot of the people I met, it was painful to think they were personal reflections. The most irritating part was that many of the people I disliked kept hanging around. When I finally realized the only way to make them go away was to actually learn the lesson they were here to teach, they gradually started disappearing.

Everything that happens is either from love or from a call for love. All the negative feelings - anger, fear, hatred, envy, etc, - are just a call for love. We can see things differently just by looking at situations and people with unprejudiced eyes. Instead of reacting to the negative feelings with more negativity, if I look at it as a cry for help from that person, it’s easier to tap into the love inside myself and return love to them.

You need to have something that takes you outside yourself - a safe place to go where people don’t care what you do, or how much money you make, or how many mistakes you made in your past. It can be an organization, a sports league, a theater group, a book club, a sewing circle, a hiking or travel group, or you can volunteer. It really doesn’t matter what it is as long as it gets you away from the TV and computer once in a while and creates an opportunity for you to interact with other people.

You have to put yourself out there even if you occasionally make a fool of yourself. And if you do make a fool of yourself don’t internalize it. Laugh along with everyone else. Most people truly want you to succeed. There will always be a few negative, unhappy people who’ll gossip behind your back and make a point of exposing all of your flaws. But most people enjoy sharing in your success. It’s important to just do something.

I learned sometimes you have to take a chance and push yourself out of your comfort zone.

When I screw something up, it’s best to immediately admit it and find a solution.

All my diverse jobs and experiences provided me with a wonderful perspective about what’s important in my working environment. The route I took was filled with potholes – all of which I stepped in - but I don’t regret the journey. Some people are lucky. They know what they want to do in life right away and they pursue it. They find their bliss and follow it even if they have to make sacrifices along the way. The rest of us use the trial and error method. I know people who worked all their lives and were never happy. I learned it’s not easy to give up the security of a job - no matter how bad it is - to follow your bliss, but it can be very fulfilling.

There’s a right exercise for everyone. You have to find what works best for you and stick with it. Eventually, doing it feels so much better than not doing it that it becomes second nature. And, walking from the couch to the refrigerator and back several times a day does not qualify as an exercise routine unless your couch is at least a half mile away from your refrigerator. You don’t have to join a club or buy fancy equipment or exercise tapes or DVD’s to get exercise – you just have to get your butt off the couch and move. It’s important to take care of your body and your health. The older you get, the more things are prone to fall apart, but you can postpone that by taking care of yourself.

Plants can be a lot like the people in your life. They can enhance it, or detract from it. There’s nothing more depressing than a bunch of slug slimy sticks or more beautiful than a bed full of lovely flowers. We can’t be afraid to change our gardens occasionally.

I don’t have a “best” friend anymore, but I have lots of good friends for which I’m very grateful. People come and go. Some stay longer than others, but it’s a natural cycle and when one person leaves another comes in to fill the void. I no longer get upset or melancholy when I lose touch with an old friend. I’m just thankful I had them in my life at all and know I’m all the richer for having enjoyed their presence.

Being part of a family is important, even if it’s not the one into which you are born.
Sometimes the families you develop with others based on common beliefs, interests or activities can better provide you with things you need to nourish and sustain yourself. Learning to be thankful for friends and families you choose to have in your life is a mutually beneficial experience and well worth the effort. Friends are very important. They fill the spaces of your heart and keep you from taking yourself too seriously.

People may not do things the way I think they should but that doesn’t mean they’re wrong. There’s usually more than one way to accomplish goals. The roads taken may not always be the straightest and most efficient routes to the destination, but sometimes the scenery is just as good or better by straying from the interstate.

And some common sense - My old VW convertible had a black interior. When I lived in Las Vegas, I learned black is not a good interior color in the desert heat. With the windows cracked open, the ever present sun shields in place and a white towel draped across the steering wheel, you could still roast a turkey in the interior of your car on a summer’s day.

More tomorrow!

A secret to staying young

Someone gave me a sign that says, “The secret to staying young is to lie about your age.”

What a crock of shit! Everyone knows the secret to staying young is liposuction, botox, cosmetic surgery, youth serum injections and overdoses of vitamins and minerals.
My body’s like a car that’s so old and with so many miles the warranty is expired and everything’s either falling apart or needs replacement. No matter how many times you get new oil, tires, or brakes, something else is going to fall apart and the costs just keep getting higher.

In 2 months I’m turning 60 and can guarantee you that youth is highly overrated, except for the physical part. Unfortunately, there’s no trading your body in.

I’m grand now – seriously. I am a grand officer in my cult this year. It’s a great honor and I’m having a wonderful time, but it means meetings 2 to 4 nights per week and many Saturdays – all over the state. This explains my serious lack of blog time lately and my perpetual physical tiredness. Note I said “physical”.

In my 20’s and 30’s I had more energy physically, but emotional demons and mental strain from work and life prevented full enjoyment of each day. Years of experience, personal introspection and therapy exorcised most of those demons, so mentally and emotionally I’m having a fabulous time. But I’m tired.
Walking the dog as often as possible, using the stairs instead of the elevator, eating healthy food, taking my vitamins, following the doctors orders and not listening to advice from unhealthy people hasn’t solved this problem. Friends in high places in the cult say I’ll adjust to the schedule in a couple of months and stop pining for my old, familiar routine. Meanwhile, I limp along trying to suppress my yawns and look alert and interested in cult meetings, then stay awake at work during the week.

Yesterday I went on a work outing. About 12 staff members took about 80 senior citizens to Tillicum Village on Blake Island. All the pictures are from this great adventure.
It was a fabulous day with excellent weather, delicious food and fun. It was also a wonderful lesson in aging. We had 3 people in wheel chairs, about 15 with walkers, and several with canes. The average age of the seniors was about 83, so this level of infirmity wasn’t unusual. Those who needed no assistance and had no trouble negotiating – who actually ran up and down the stairs on the boat taking pictures and walked around exploring the island – were a fantastic example of what life can be like if we take care of ourselves when we’re younger.
With the knowledge gained over time, if I could go back and change anything - I wouldn’t, with one exception; I would take much better care of myself physically. It’s not too late, and I’m working hard to counteract the effect of aging. Now, if they could find a way to take my brain with all my wisdom and memories and put it into a really healthy 25 year old body……..

Things I've Learned - Lesson 2

It's often better to be happy than to be right.

When I first moved to Seattle, I was an emotional mess. Abandonment issues from my childhood caused me to live in a hard-shelled cocoon of self-preservation. I wanted to love and trust people, but didn’t know how and so was self-sufficient in the extreme. Knowing it wasn’t healthy to be like that – master’s degree in psychology – I decided to seek help. However, since no one was trustworthy, finding an alternate way to healing was critical.

During my first year in Seattle, I found a non-denominational new-age church. It was small, in an intimate setting and suited me very well. Some people at the church decided to start a Course in Miracles study group, and I was delighted. We met every Saturday morning.

In case you are unfamiliar, The Course is divided into three sections: the “Text,” the “Workbook for Students,” and the “Manual for Teachers.” At the advice of our original group leader, we started by reading from the “Text” and then closed every session with one lesson from the “Workbook.” By the time we got to the “Manual for Teachers” we realized it was probably where we should have started, because according to The Course, everyone is a teacher and that section was the most basic and easiest to understand.

Over time, we went through The Course from cover to cover several times – all 1,108 pages of it - not including indexes. The first time through, it was like walking through a maze. We’d round a corner and see what looked like an exit only to find a dead end which propelled us back into the labyrinth. We talked for hours about what it meant, reading one heading and sometimes one paragraph per session in our attempt to decipher it. It was confounding and confusing and frustrating.

There were times I walked away from our meetings thinking I would never break through the complicated language to find meaning from the words. But slowly over time it started to make sense. It was through our own united willpower and desire that we were finally able to break through.

I learned it’s more important to be happy than to be right. I never thought about how detrimental my stubbornness was to my happiness, and how hurtful it could be to others. Sometimes the things, about which I most needed to be right, were not very important in the general scheme of things. Simple things like how to arrange your kitchen cabinets didn’t really matter. I had to let them go.

I learned that the world is filled with love and happiness and we will find what we are looking for when we know what we want. This was a difficult concept for me because, since my early childhood, I’d never known real love and happiness. I had no idea of what I really wanted and how it was supposed to look and feel. There was no role model to go by. There was no list and no rules to guide me. Figuring out what I wanted was a seemingly impossible task.

I learned every person we meet is a mere reflection of ourselves. We can learn something from them all, and the briefest encounters or the longest relationships provide opportunities for us to grow. Since I didn’t particularly like a lot of the people I met, it was painful to think they were personal reflections. The most irritating part was, many of the people I disliked kept hanging around. When I finally realized the only way to make them go away was to actually learn the lesson they were here to teach, they gradually started disappearing.

I learned everything that happens is either from love or from a call for love. All the negative feelings - anger, fear, hatred, envy, etc, - are just a call for love. We can see things differently just by looking at situations and people with unprejudiced eyes. Instead of reacting to the negative feelings with more negativity, if I looked at them as a cry for help from that person, it was easier to tap into the love inside myself and return love to them.

Applying these lessons isn’t always easy, but over time it’s become deep-rooted in me and it’s more natural now to react from love.

Sometimes being perfect is really, really hard work!

Things I've Learned - Lesson 1

In 163 days - 5 months and 10 days - I will celebrate my 60th birthday - and I do mean CELEBRATE. I am a very lucky person and have a rich full life. This wasn't always the case. It took years of experience and hard learned lessons to reach this state of bliss. So, I thought I would start sharing some of the things I've learned with you.

Lesson 1 - You Can Change

The majority of people in this world have everything in common. We have two arms, two legs, two eyes, one nose, ten fingers, and ten toes on two feet and we all poop and pee. We have basic needs – food, water, shelter and air. If you put all of us in one spot naked with no make-up or any other accessories, aside from differences in body mass, varying shades of flesh color, and the size of different body parts we would be similar. If no one had money, prestige, fame or any other symbol of wealth and power, we would be equal.

That’s how we start and that’s how we end. What we do in between defines us as individuals. What keeps the playing field from being level is not what we are but what happens once we arrive in this world – it’s who we are.

Children born in abject poverty have different experiences from those born to wealth. Children born in countries where there is war and upheaval have different experiences from those born in politically and economically stable countries. Children born into loving, happy and nurturing families have different experiences from those born into angry, unhappy and neglectful families. Children born into love have different experiences than those born into fear.

As children we’re at the mercy of our environment. We don’t know better yet. We haven’t developed the skills and instincts to move us beyond our circumstances. We rely on adults to set an example for us and show us the way. We trust them to teach us how to successfully navigate the road of life. Our choices later in life can be permanently affected by the actions of those into whose charge we have been placed.

While we’re children and still trying to develop our skills and instincts, we have every right to blame those on whom we’re relying for help if they don’t provide it. We have every right to call them to task for not fulfilling their responsibilities or for not finding someone else who could discharge those responsibilities and help us realize our potential.

When we become adults and start taking responsibility for ourselves, live on our own, make our own money, and create our own reality and families, the time for blame and finger pointing has ended. Once we enter the world on our own or with our mates we have choices. We can choose to be perpetual victims – to wallow in our shame, sorrow and issues, live in turmoil, repeat the past and create bleak and unsatisfying lives for ourselves and those around us. We can act as if someone is pointing a gun towards our head and forcing us to be miserable. We can be willing participants in our own despair. But we don’t have to.

If the news media covered positive and enlightening stories, every day you could read about those who have decided not to be victims of their circumstances. You could hear and read about people rising above their situations and creating their own success. You would learn of the courage and fortitude of some amazing people who overcame what seemed to be insurmountable odds. These are people who made their own happiness and refused to allow their past or their circumstances to prevent them from achieving their goals.

The point is, once we’re adults we’re no longer victims of our circumstances and environment. We’re victims of our own thoughts and actions – or lack of actions. We’re as good or as bad as we think we are. We’re as happy or as miserable as we believe. We’re a success or a failure depending on our own perception of success.

I’ve read countless books and articles on abandonment issues, intimacy issues, emotional abuse, addiction and whatever else you want to blame your life on. To some extent, they all fit the way I lived my life. I can see myself in every scenario. I was a victim of my circumstances because I chose to be. Choosing to be a victim was extremely painful. When the pain became unbearable I took the steps necessary to find another way - to choose again.

I learned life is a series of choices. Unhappiness and misery are a choice and that’s the choice I made for years. I deserve all the misery I experienced because I chose it. I also deserve all the good and happiness because that was also my choice. I no longer feel sorry for people who have the intellectual capacity but aren’t being proactive in their own situations. I can certainly empathize with them but I don’t sympathize with them.

I could say I wish I’d chosen a different path when I first left home but that would be bullshit. I have no regrets. I did what I did. I am who I am. What I did has made me who I am and I think I’m a good person who is worth knowing – issues and all.

Sometimes we just need a kick in the pants to get us started on the right path. When I was at my lowest point, I called an old friend for sympathy. For a while she listened to my litany of excuses for being miserable, and then she interrupted me and said, “If you’re so unhappy, do something about it. You can change."