WooHoo! Let's Party!

Welcome to my 60th birthday party!

Here's what greeted me when I arrived at work today!

Chuckle!!!!

I apologize for the lack of posts lately, but I'm busier than that one-armed paperhanger we all hear about. To prevent you from abandoning me completely, here's a little something that made me snort.

Fall Classes for Men at

THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED

by Friday, September 12th 2008

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1 How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--S
tep by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2 The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3 Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--
Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5 Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Scientific proof against this theory.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6 Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Support Groups with hotline available to participants.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7 Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
An entertaining presentation with moderated discussion--bring paper and pen for notes.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8 Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Power Point Presentation.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9 Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--
Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined

Class 10 Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11 Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12 How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13 How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14 The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

E-mail updates

This is a slow day at work so I thought you might enjoy sharing the contents of my junk e-mail box. There are only 107 items in there right now. I deleted about 500 last Thursday night, so it’s still recovering.

Lots of people want to give me some training. Do they know something about my current work situation that I don’t?

There are 8 offers for medical transcription programs promising me a bright future and I can start today, work from home and do easy work for great pay. Or I can accept one of the 5 offers to do medical billing. My rewarding career can begin with a nursing degree, or I can take up any one of the 6 current offers for x-ray technician training. If I want to be on the periphery of the medical industry, there are several offers to work in a relaxing environment as a massage therapist or I can take advantage of a wide range of job opportunities in health and wellness centers and spas and resorts.

If I want to stay away from the medical field, Kaplan University is hotly pursuing me with opportunities to learn online while I work. I can become a CSI and get hands on training in forensics. Someone thinks my name is Wilhemina and wants me to know that Google has work available for me. I can even get grant funding from the government for all of these things.

The casting department is looking for actors and movie extras in my area. I always did want to be a star! Helen wants to help me upgrade my skills and advance my career. Janet tells me that local home-workers are needed and Jenny and Denise have information about data-entry positions. Or, I can go to Psychology School! Perhaps the message here is that I need to suck-up to my current bosses a little more.

I’m thrilled to report that I’ve been selected for several Wal-Mart cards and at least 2 Exxon gas cards. Or, even better, a $500 dollar Target gift card. The Wall Street Journal has sent a limited time offer. Dish Network wants to give me 100 channels for only $29.99 per month including HBO a DVR and no cost installation.

Captiva wants to pamper my skin and remove the stretch marks. (Good luck with that one! How many barrels do I get?)

The Acai Berry Association, AHA, American Diet Institute, Janice and Marisa all want to let me know that Acai has been voted 2008 superfood of the year. But does it taste good with chocolate?

My credit score seems to be of great concern. 3-in-1 Credit Report, Credit Report Adviser, Credit Report Center, Credit Security Notice and Credit Report Time all want to assist me in this area.

Aha and the American Diet Institute want to reveal celebrity body secrets to me and WuYiTea is willing to let me know what celebrities know about them. Obviously they know how concerned I am about how celebrities stay so emaciated and artificial looking.

The American Diet Institute and the American Health Association want me to flush up to 50 lbs. Is that 50 lbs of fat or marijuana?

Amy has sent several e-mails about the average US auto insurance rates. Alexandria wants to know why I pay more for my remedys. (Her spelling) Branda has pain remedys (her spelling) at low cost. Damon is offering wholesale prices on all health related items. Pfizer discount is offering a private renewal. (Of what?) In case I have it, both Ringing in Ears and Tinnitus Relief are offering a formula to Stop the Buzz! And, Lorie is offering to ship generic brand remedys quickly and discreetly to my front door.

Approved Auto Loan wants my drivers license for final approval on a loan I don’t know about. Barbain Network will help me find foreclosed homes from 10,000. (They don’t say 10,000 what.)

Car Loan Credit Waiver wants people with the WORST credit possible. (I'm feeling depressed here!) Fuel Solution has a secret to saving me 70 cents per gallon on gas. Funds Available has sent several e-mails about a cash/credit transfer I didn’t make. Truly Affordable Coverage wants to help with my health insurance with instant quotes and expert service. Vacation Flight Card wants to give me a getaway trip for 2. (Do they provide the second person? Do I have a choice among contenders?)

Several people are trying to find me – at least according to Finding People, Person Locator and Reuniting People. Consuelo wants to discuss Next Month with me and Edmond is giving me his phone number in case I need to get hold of him.

And last but certainly not least; Viagra @ genuine Shop wants me to have greater male volume and power and Gustavo Coley wants me to get a bigger penis.

Does that penis come with a man, Gustavo? Do I get to pick him out? I have a list of requirements I can e-mail to you.

Sole searching advice

Ladies and gentlemen – I need your assistance.

Okay. So this probably isn’t what you first thought when you read the title, but I did spell it correctly. I’m getting another pair of my fabulous Sofft shoes. I blogged before about my adoration of this brand of shoes and my nine pairs.

Not long after that I received the offer for a new pair. Call it a loyal customer reward. All I have to do is pick out a pair and let them know my choice. This may sound easy to most of you, but I’m a Libra and I tend to agonize over the stupidest things. Here I am – a woman in shoe heaven. I can choose any pair I want. Aaaaarrrrrrrgggggghhhhh!!!!

I went to their wonderful website to try to narrow down my choices and found several candidates to join my shoe world. However, I have slightly strange feet in that my right one is a 10 and my left one is a 9.5. Normally I buy for the right foot and do sneaky shoe tricks to make the left one fit right. However, 2 of the pairs I selected fall into the sandal category and my tricks would thus be exposed. So I ventured off to the local shoe emporiums to do some trying on.

I ended up with several possibilities and another pair of Sofft shoes. Meet my newest addition: Vivian - This handcrafted peep toe sling is versatile enough to wear for business or pleasure.

Yes, I understand I could have requested these as my new pair, but they were having a one day sale and the price was great plus I had a $20 off store reward coupon. How could I resist? I couldn’t and I didn’t! Quit lecturing me!

Here’s where you all come in. I have narrowed it down to 3 pairs and love them all, so I’m asking you to help me choose by voting for your favorite. Men, please join in. Your opinions are important too. Here are the candidates:

Charis (light gold) - Elegance and grace weave together on this charming kitten heel.

Lydia (copper multi)- This interwoven, braided sling unites a unique blend of extravagance and modesty.

Serena (deep purple) - With its delicate floral detail and patent trim, this pump can be worn to any special occasion.

Vote early and vote often. I want to send in my choice this weekend before they decide I’m some kind of deranged old bag lady and withdraw their offer.

Thanks!

Silliness - mood buttons 6

In the spirit of silliness, here's another quick excerpt from my memoir to go along with the last of the mood buttons.

I’ve always loved the formality of what I describe as super organized religions, like Catholicism and the Episcopalians. There’s something about their beautiful ritualistic ceremonies that makes me feel very connected to a higher power. Several of my friends over the years have been Catholic and I was always intrigued by the concept of confession.

While living in Chicago, I actually snuck into the box and confessed once. Right before I hit rock bottom during my cancer, I was riding a bus home from work one day when we passed an enormous Catholic church. I have no idea what compelled me but I jumped off the bus at the next corner and went into the church. I’d never been to confession before, but I saw lots of people confess in the movies, so when I saw someone coming out of what resembled the confession booth in the movies, I scooted in.

The priest quickly observed that I didn’t know the mechanics of confession and was therefore probably not Catholic. I think I said something like, “Look, I’m not one of you, but I have a really big problem and I need someone to listen. Are you in?” I thought for certain he was going to throw me out, but instead he was very kind and allowed me to bare my soul for quite a while. Then he told me to do a few things I didn’t really understand, and told me to “go with God.” I didn’t quite know where I was supposed to go with him, but then I figured out that was just the priest’s way of getting rid of me.

When I left, I put a lot of money in the offering thingy hoping God wouldn’t strike me dead for attempting to impersonate a Catholic just to be absolved of my numerous sins. I didn’t get hit by a bus on the way home, but it did take a long time to resolve my problems. Maybe that was her punishment.

If hell freezes over and I ever get married, my ideal wedding would take place in a cathedral type church. They’re vast and awe inspiring, but they also feel very intimate and spiritual. I don’t envision hundreds of guests. In fact, if it’s just me, the groom, an official and a witness, that would be absolutely fine. And as soon as the official says “you may kiss the bride,” I would like for a choir or soloist to sing “Ave Maria”. I know the song is associated with all things Catholic, but it’s one of my favorites and always evokes such a sense of peace and serenity. Of course, my mother would lobby for a rousing rendition of the “Hallelujah Chorus” but she doesn’t get a vote on this one.




Hope you enjoyed the buttons!

Silliness - mood buttons 5

This is the one my friends think is most like me. When I'm silent and smiling with my mouth closed (my Mona Lisa smile) - watch out.

Siliness - Mood Buttons 4, My ode, Thoughts on writing

I AM that ode!

Merry Monteleone wrote a fabulous ode for me. It's to the tune of "Stairway to Heaven". Make sure you check it out on her blog. She makes me sound wonderful - which of course I am.

Thoughts on Writing

When I wrote my memoir, the words flowed unrestrained. My fingers could barely type fast enough to keep up with my brain. The first draft was written in 2 weeks and had about 35,000 words. Then I went back and filled in all the details - ending with about 70,000 words in just over 6 weeks total. They were good words - great words in some cases with many interesting stories and lots of wisdom gathered from years of often totally screwing up my life.

Attendance at Backspace and frequent online visits to Miss Snark and other writing spots helped me through about 5 drafts before I figured out that it wasn't publishable as a book. There probably were several really good short stories or magazine articles in it, but that's beside the point which is, it was a really valuable learning experience.

Since then I've written periodically and quietly developed a story that's interesting to me and could be lots of fun. I put together story boards and outlined characters and places, working hard to implement all I've learned over the last year.

The problem is; when I sat down to write it the words didn't flow. Every time I wrote a few pages I had to go back and check for things like passive voice and adverbs and other nitpicky things that should best be left for the 2nd or 3rd draft. I asked for opinions too early from willing readers. It became an exercise in frustration and I hated it. '

Being sick always helps me put things in perspective. About 2/3 of the way through bronchitis, I reread my first 5 carefully crafted chapters and promptly deleted the whole thing. It sucked. It didn't have any of my personality or style. I was trying too hard to follow the damned rules and lost my voice in the process.

The rules are helpful and having an outline helps move me along the path, but too much structure and too many restrictions stifle me. I don't work well under those circumstances. I smothered myself.

The idea is still good, but I'm not going to censor myself when I start writing again. I'll write to the story but won't be concerned with occasional deviations or worry about typos or misspellings or passive voice or adverbs or any other grammatical mistakes as long as the words are flowing. I'll save all that for the 2nd or 3rd draft.

Sometimes a little knowledge can be a dangerous thing. It can rob you of your creativity.



Here are some more of those silly buttons you can't wear to work :).

Silliness - mood buttons 3

Some things are just too good not to share. For some reason, this poem really speaks to me right now. Hmmmmmm!!!

THE MONTH AFTER CHRISTMAS

author unknown

Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house

Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I would taste

At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!

When I walked to the store it was less a walk than a lumber.

I remembered the marvelous meals I'd prepared;

The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rare.

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese

And the way I'd never said, "None for me, please."

As I dressed myself in my biggest old shirt

And prepared once again to do battle with dirt.

I said to myself, as only I can,

"You can't spend another winter disguised as a man!"

So -- away with the last of the sour cream dip,

Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished

Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie -- not even a lick.

I'll chew only on long celery sticks.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,

I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore

But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, life's no longer a riot.

Happy New Year to all

and to all a good diet.

Just setting the mood for the next round of buttons!




The rest tomorrow!

Silliness - mood buttons 2 and thank you notes.

I would like to issue a public thank you to all the people in the airports and on the planes for being certain to spread their germs around by hacking, coughing, sneezing and then walking through the plane and putting their germy paws on the seats with no regard for any other passengers. I realize using soap and tissues or covering your mouth during your outbursts is very inconvenient and wanted to let you know how grateful I was to end up with bronchitis because of your generosity.

I would also like to thank Dallas for having the world's largest and most inconvenient airport. I would have taken that train thingy had I known it existed, but one of your very intelligent employees assured me that Gates D 12 and A 17 were easy walking distance. After walking through at least 3 states his lies became apparent. I realize my vacation was filled with overeating, but exercising under the stress of a short connection was not my plan.

I would also like to thank American Airlines for making sure my luggage did not accompany me on the trip from Dallas to Seattle. It was wonderful to arrive at the airport and watch everyone else take their luggage off the carousel then stand in line for 15 minutes with the rest of the bagless people only to be told my bag was still in Dallas. Well, DUH! I also really appreciated receiving it at 4:30 the next day at work just as I was getting ready to go home. I do apologize for yelling at and threatening to sue the delivery person who called me at 9 a.m. and informed me he didn't think he could make it the 5 miles from the airport to my office before 5 p.m.

Thank you all so much for waiting until the end of my trip to materialize.

As promised, here's the next round of buttons.

Silliness - mood buttons 1

Bronchitis can really wear you down. I've been sick and in the dumps for a couple of weeks now and am finally starting to feel better. As usual, when I start to feel better my silly side kicks in. A friend sent me pictures of 30 mood buttons you can't wear to work and they are just too good not to be shared. Since blogger only allows 5 at a time, this may require a few posts.