Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Crisis of Confidence

Today’s horoscope:
Your close friends and family members will always be in your life, ready to make you smile -- but when push comes to shove (as it probably will today), you are the only person who can completely understand the battles you've fought, the lessons you've learned, and the skills you possess. So if you need to get some clarity on where you are and where you're going, consult the best expert possible -- yourself! Have an internal dialogue, and listen to your gut.

Occasionally I feel lost. I lose my focus and sense of direction and start drifting into the dingy alleyways of my life – dredging up old crap and beating myself up about it all over again. I’ve weathered some pretty intense storms but always felt I did it by creeping around the fringes with my life jacket on and chin tucked into my chest hoping to be invisible. I’m very non-confrontational so dealing with uncomfortable issues face to face has never been my forte.

Writing has allowed me to confront my problems - at least on paper. It helps me express my feelings and frustrations without fear of reprisal – even though my punishment is mostly self-inflicted. In Holly’s book, the youngest son believes his illness created the problems in his family and caused his parents’ divorce. That was me. I had nothing to do with their problems, but I took the burden on myself. Unlike Eric, no one ever told me I was wrong. I was quiet and shy and suffered in silence – never wanting to rock the boat. I was invisible.

I’ve worked hard to become visible and be not aggressive but assertive. I’ve made a lot of progress, but still have far to go. I’m struggling with an issue now that is testing my resolve. I know what I want to say and how best to say it – but I can’t. It’s stupid – I know! Things learned in childhood can stay with you forever – the good and the bad.

Are you REALLY listening to the people around you?

5 comments:

Stephen Parrish said...

Did you say something?

Sorry, couldn't resist. You're very visible in the Blogosphere, the only context in which I know you.

The Anti-Wife said...

Stephen Who?

jason evans said...

It's a gift to bring your pain to your writing. It's what makes you unique.

The Anti-Wife said...

Jason,
Thanks! It's certainly something I know.

Anonymous said...

Oh, I love this, and think it would make a great opening for something larger. I added a continuation sentence. I want something dramatic and powerful to come from this lost person:

*************************
Occasionally I feel lost. I lose my focus and sense of direction and start drifting into the dingy alleyways of my life – dredging up old crap and beating myself up about it all over again. I’ve weathered some pretty intense storms but always felt I did it by creeping around the fringes with my life jacket on and chin tucked into my chest hoping to be invisible.

Today, things will be different.

******************

Loved the dingy alleyways. Loved all of it. Please continue, or I will hunt you down.....haha! Just kidding!

Church Lady (aka Takoda and real name is Chris)