Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Thoughts on Men - Part 3

(This is a repeat of something I posted in June, but it was the next part of this chapter in the book.)

I’ve spent a lot of time coming to terms with my problems with men and sex. Over the past few years I worked to redefine my relationships and thought I made tremendous progress. About a year ago I told a friend I might be ready to try dating again. When she picked herself up off the floor, she suggested I try one of the internet dating sites.

Three months later (because I never do anything that has the potential to be life changing without thinking it to death anymore) after she and my other friends badgered me relentlessly every day about my NEED to do it, I signed up at one of the big national sites which shall remain nameless because I don’t want to get sued.

I’m a no-nonsense person and I don’t take crap from anyone anymore – just ask my bosses and the other people with whom I work. My philosophy is, if you can’t truthfully say something nice just walk away smiling. It confuses the heck out of people and makes me pretty happy. I decided my profile needed to be absolutely truthful – no lies - because I didn’t want any misunderstandings of whom I was or what I expected. When it comes to men, I lived a lie my whole life. This seemed like a good time to be completely honest.

First I included the word mean in my screen name. Now I’m not really mean but occasionally people who don’t know me have interpreted things I said while being sarcastic as being mean. I am incredibly sarcastic and make no apologies for it, so putting mean in there just seemed honest. Here’s the profile I submitted:

Perfectly happy and content woman living a good life. Friends think I need a man because they all have them and want me to suffer too. No strings, no nutcases, no needy men should respond. Only those who are financially secure will be considered, because I do not need or want to be supported and am totally unwilling to support you financially.

You must be emotionally and spiritually well adjusted and basically liberal to middle of the road - willing to see all sides and not be firmly rooted in any religious or political crap. You must also be very intelligent and have a great sense of humor and be fairly busy with your own life because I really don’t want a clinging vine.

You must be good looking and in good shape. I walk my dog often and you have to be able to keep up with me. I am incredibly picky and like people who are nice looking and take care of themselves. If you are a Dr., it would be a plus because I seem to be falling apart piece by piece.

Overall, I’m a nice looking person in pretty good shape. Way too intelligent for my own good and extremely intuitive. Also extremely honest and totally uninterested in playing games. Don’t I sound like a great catch? Hopefully this will satisfy my sadistic friends who are making me do this.

This was the toned down version. My friends thought the original one was a bit too harsh. What do you think?

Original Version: Total Bitch in need of a booty call. No strings, no nutcases, no needy men should apply. Only those who are financially sound will be interviewed. She doesn’t need or want to be supported and won’t support your sorry ass financially. Must also be emotionally and spiritually well adjusted and basically middle of the road – willing to see all sides and not be involved in any fundamentalist crap. Must also be very intelligent, have a great sense of humor and fairly busy as she really doesn’t want to spend a great deal of time with anyone. You must be good looking and in good shape. She is incredibly picky and won’t be seen with any skanks.

I think they objected to words like skanks or something. I personally liked the original version, but went with the other one on their advice. Anyway, I thought it was a rather good synopsis of me and what I was looking for and the site people didn’t reject it. I figured if anyone responded they must either be able to see past all of the rhetoric and into my true self, which would pleasantly surprise me, or they must be totally stupid and desperate. Either way, since I had no intention of initiating anything, I would be firmly in control.

I had hundreds of hits on my profile and bunches of e-mails and winks, all of which I promptly rejected. It’s not that I didn’t want to find someone. It’s just that the right one never appeared in my in-box. Or, maybe I really wasn’t ready. Who knows? But no one was able to tear me away from the “no thanks” button.

One response really floored me. This idiot had the nerve to e-mail me to tell me he thought my profile was crap. (Wonder where he got that word?) He told me my profile lived up to my screen name – especially the mean part – and if I ever had any hope of finding a nice person and a good match I should change my profile. He said my friends were probably right and having a man in my life would do me good. (Choke me now!) He also said I was probably lying about the mean part and I shouldn’t do that because honesty was very important. Then he had the nerve to wish me well in my search.

I was flabbergasted. Why did he even bother to respond? If he wasn’t interested, why didn’t he just move on to the next profile? I went back and reviewed his profile to see what had inspired him to be so absurd.

Religion was important to him, so my comment about not being rooted in crap probably didn’t sit too well with him. He said all the same things I read in a hundred other profiles about long walks, cuddling, intimate dinners, romantic evenings, loving and spoiling someone, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Did all these men take lessons from the same college – Boring U?But one thing I noticed he had neglected to mention about himself – self important hypocrite!

Hey, at least my profile was honest. The more I thought about it the angrier I became. This bigheaded jerk had never met me. He didn’t know anything about me and was passing judgment on me based on a few paragraphs on the internet.

For about thirty seconds, I seriously considered responding to him and giving my opinion on his lineage. And then I hit the delete key and ate a small chocolate Santa.When my six months membership was up, I quit.

To be continued!


Stephen Parrish said...

My oh my. You really do need to start charging for these essays. Maybe even launch an advice column, "Ask Anti-Wife."

Church Lady said...

Stephen! SSHHH!!! She's OUR secret!

Ahem. I just got a box of Amazon books today. Started with "Bad Girl" and you are right about the five cold showers!

Now I'm thinking about a telescope for you(unless you already have one) and a nice view!

I've always loved the word 'skank.'

You didn't want to do internet dating and it was obvious. Don't push people to do things they don't want to do. That's basic human understanding. Your friends meant well, and I probably would've been on the bandwagon with them.

I love these essays too. You have something here, AW. Have you ever read anything by Marianne Keys? She has a book called "Other Side of the Story" (or something like that) which reminds me of your writing. :-)

Church Lady said...

I meant to add to 'Your friends meant well' that people need to respect each other's space.

sex scenes at starbucks said...

I don't think I could do it. Really. I'm impressed that you did.

The Anti-Wife said...

All I need are people to ask me questions. I'm ready to give advice but caveat emptor!

Bad Girl - whew! I'm still wiping the sweat off my forehead! No telescopes for me. I'm surrounded by trees.

The Anti-Wife said...

I think it would be a toss up between bravery and stupidity. I can justify either one.

Jaye Wells said...

"Friends think I need a man because they all have them and want me to suffer too."

You made me snort soda out of my nose. Well done.

Holly Kennedy said...

Interesting essay/post A-W!
Internet dating. I just got a shiver up my spine. I couldn't do it, but I know a couple who met that way, married, and now have three kids. Thank God I'm not single!

Precie said...

Brava for you putting up an honest and direct profile. You sound like a strong woman, and anyone who would be put off by that really need not waste your time.

I've heard good and bad about online dating sites...sorry it didn't work out for you. But thank you for sharing so much...in this and the previous posts.

The Anti-Wife said...

A soda snort!
**Doing a happy dance**

The Anti-Wife said...

Considering what I've seen online, I'll probably die single!

I'm all about the sharing! Thanks for reading!

SzélsőFa said...

No offense here, but I had some good laughs over your 'profile'.
Also I liked your hotel-analogy in the previous post :)

Ello said...

Hey AW - I loved the original one. I'd totally date you if I were a man!

Merry Jelinek said...


personally, I liked the original profile... but then, I find sarcasm hysterical so I'm probably not the person to ask.

I have to agree with stephen, you really should submit these as essays, there are a lot of women's magazines that would pay well for them.

The Anti-Wife said...

My favorite example of a hotel - George Clooney.

Ello and Merry,
I wanted to go with the original, but my friends vetoed it. They didn't really like the second one either, but I stood my ground and they relented. Thank God for my dogs!