The point of all of this is even after fifty plus years of life and over eight years of abstinence I still have no clue about men. I have theories – like my four building types. I have lots of men friends and acquaintances – especially if they’re married, in a committed relationship, or gay. With very few exceptions I don’t really trust anyone who doesn’t fall into one of those categories and I don’t trust some of those who do.
One thing I’ve come to believe is WE are the most precious gifts we can give. The gift of our time, our spirits, our intellect, our bodies and our love is more valuable than any material things we can offer. We shouldn’t give ourselves away to people who don’t deserve us and won’t appreciate us.
I haven’t totally given up on finding someone special but whoever applies for this position is going to have to jump through a lot of hoops before he reaches my bed. First he’s going to have to become my friend – someone I can talk to about anything, anytime and anyplace. He’s going to have to earn my trust. Good luck with that! Absolute, total and complete honesty will be a non-negotiable requirement.
He’ll have to be intelligent and witty. There are 24 hours in a day and approximately eight of them are taken up with sleeping. That leaves the possibility of spending 16 hours some days with this person. Depending on their age and health, sex might only fill a few minutes of that time so you have to be able to talk to them.
The man who finally snags me will also have to understand I still have residual abandonment and intimacy issues. I’m totally aware of this and have been working on it for a long time but it is a deep-seeded part of my psyche and it fights with my rational mind for control of me in many situations. I used to believe it would help to have someone who shared and had overcome these same types of issues. Now I think it would be better to have someone who just recognizes them and won’t allow me to dwell on them. Having a relationship with another person with these issues could be a recipe for disaster and I have experienced enough disasters. I don’t want to complete someone. I want someone who’s already complete.
He’ll have to be patient. Having read this far you should understand why by now. And he’ll need to have a really good sense of humor – an absolute must. He also must like animals – especially dogs. My dogs will have to approve of him. He must be financially independent because I am. I’ve supported men before and have no intention of ever doing it again. And, no skanks! He must be good looking with great self esteem – only humble.
He has to have his own friends and interests and not rely on me to entertain him all the time. I have wonderful friends and enjoy spending time with them. I don’t intend to stop spending time with my friends and I really do enjoy being alone sometimes. I don’t mind if he goes out to play with his friends and he is not allowed to mind if I go out and play with mine. I don’t want a clinging vine. No angst allowed!
Based on all of this, I probably won’t be getting married or into any kind of serious relationships any time soon.
I’ve often thought I should move to Italy. I have a friend who’s married to an Italian man. He says Italian men really appreciate older women because of their wisdom and experience. He says I would be a goddess there and the men would value my wisdom and strength. They would think I was sexy and desirable because they’re looking beyond the exterior and more concerned with what’s inside. He says younger women may look better but older women ARE better. If I’m ever rich enough I think I’ll rent a house in Tuscany for a while and test his theory. Of course my friend could be full of bull and just trying to make me feel better, but it’s nice to think about and I may try it eventually.
Maybe some day I’ll find someone who’ll love me enough to stick around and help me get through all of my issues – someone who’ll care about me enough to prevent me from running at the first sign of tension. When people are tense or angry it makes me cower inside. I think it’s a response to the memory of the yelling and arguing I witnessed as a child, but at the first sign of it all I want to do is head for the nearest exit. Then the chances of seeing me again are very slim. I’m not a fighter.
Anyway, men are last on my list of demons because they are my biggest challenge and obviously I still need to do a little work here. However, I’ve resolved not to fail in this arena again even if that means many more years without someone. And I won’t compromise. Until I meet someone with whom I’m compatible physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually I will stay single.
Maybe when I’m in my nineties in the retirement community, with failing eyesight and poor hearing, my prince charming will roll up to me and make a pass. If I try to hit him with my cane and miss, I’ll know he’s the one.
Well, that's it - my chapter on men. I welcome any and all comments and thanks for reading!