Thursday, January 31, 2008

Unwelcome Surprises

Ello, you especially should appreciate this.

I was exhausted by bedtime last night. My homework for the writing class was progressing nicely and I was tired from a long day, so sleep came quickly. Normally I get up a couple of times a night to go to the bathroom – it’s an old person thing, something you can all look forward to. Last night my bladder held firm, however…..

About 2:30 this morning I awoke to the vilest, most vitriolic odor imaginable. It was so overwhelmingly disgusting I thought the enemy was using chemical warfare on me. In my dazed and confused state, I stumbled out of bed and headed for the stairs. As I got farther away from my bedroom, the odor abated noticeably. It didn’t go away, it just wasn’t stinging my lungs and making my eyes and nose water anymore.

Stupidly, I ventured back towards the bedroom only to be accosted by the foul stench again. It suddenly dawned on me that the source of this malodorous assault was staring at me from atop my covers with her tail wagging. Belle!

I have mentioned her room clearing farting ability in the past, but this one was like the nuclear bomb of all flatulence. I raced for the can of room deodorizer and sprayed it liberally throughout the house because the whole place reeked by then. I also opened some windows even though it was freezing outside.

In my partially awake state, I finally realized the stench was still there, sprayed another layer of deodorizer throughout the place and stuck my head out my sliding glass door gulping in the fresh, icy air.

A full fifteen minutes after my rude awakening, with the perpetrator constantly at my side as if we were on a big adventure, the house no longer smelled like sulfuric acid, methane and feces. Belle went outside and left a stink bomb on the lawn to scare away all the creatures of the night and I promptly gave her ½ a pepto-bismal tablet to tame whatever was happening inside her little gut.

It took another hour to return to sleep – partially because of all the cold air I inhaled and partially for fear of another surprise attack. Since she likes to sleep with her butt next to my face, this is a valid concern. Meanwhile, she slept soundly.

It’s a good thing I love my dog.

11 comments:

Trée said...

I have four dogs--Yorkies. Now imagine four of everything you just mentioned. :-D

Jeni said...

No longer have any dogs here but we do have two cats and there are times when the one uses the litter box that you do feel you need to fumigate the place. I got a big chuckle out of this piece though -brought back memories of not only the dogs we've had over the years but also, my ex-husband. Yeah, he could leave some room-cleaner-outers too!

booklady said...

Wow. What a rude way to wake up!

The Anti-Wife said...

Tree,
With 4 of them, either they or I would have to sleep in a well-ventilated room.

Jeni,
The farts are killer but I can't imagine life without my dog. One advantage of the dog over the ex - the dog poops outside and leave the smell there.

The Anti-Wife said...

Booklady,
It was pretty jarring for me, but Belle seemed to think we were playing the way I was running around the house.

WriterKat said...

Wow! A real live Walter-the-farting-dog. Your description is hilarious though I'm sure it didn't feel that way at the time.

I had a situation one night where there was a vial smell at my head board - in the darkness I'm trying to figure out the reason. I turn on the light and there is poop smear all over my pillow from the cat. Gross!

The Anti-Wife said...

Writerkat,
That is totally gross! I think I'd rather have the farting.

cyn said...

haha!

i've got the same problem, and i married him. =p

congrats on the writing course once again! may it stir your muse, but most important, may you learn!

Maddy said...

Now that's what I call a rude awakening!
Cheers

Ello said...

AH HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! HA HA HA!!!!!

Oh you killed me with this post! Welcome to my world! I've got 4 stinkers in my house stinking up the place. Adding a dog would make my house worse than the Staten Island garbage dump.

wordtryst said...

Oh. My. God.

We've had dogs, but they always lived outside. One of them would sneak in on mornings and lick my son's face as he slept, and I'd pretend I didn't notice. During thunderstorms she would get so terrified that I let her hide under my bed. Other than those exceptions, it was: You! Outside! OUT!

I loved them like family, but I loved them outdoors.