Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Commitment phobia - how it feels

So, what does it feel like to be commitment phobic?

First, it’s lonely. I have lots of friends, a great job, and wonderful co-workers, but no matter how much I share with them and how close we are, there’s always some distance between us. The distance is something I impose on all my relationships. It’s not malicious or even necessarily intentional. I can’t help it.

I’ve never been a fighter – probably because of the horrible fights I witnessed between my parents when they were separating and the fact that I was so shy as a child and young adult. The smallest sign of tension can send me running for the exit.

When people get too close to me emotionally or begin to have expectations of me, I start to get claustrophobic. I feel like everything is closing in on me. When I feel claustrophobic I become restless and an undercurrent of fear runs through me. My immediate response is to start backing out the door. I try to just disappear – to become invisible. I try to make others believe there’s nothing wrong – I’m just busy. I can always find a legitimate reason to put some distance between me and whoever’s getting too close.

In me there’s a profound sadness always lurking just below the surface.

This doesn’t even begin to describe what happens when I’m with a man and it looks like there could be a potential relationship developing.

But that’s a story for another day.

3 comments:

kathie said...

I my god, Anti--I'm very similar in the friend thing. I have a set of terrific friends who I adore, but we're spread out all over and when other people closer to home "pressure" me to do more, I tend to run the other way. I think I have to just get better at saying no and not feeling guilty when I do so then having more friends doesn't really mean it going to take me away from my writing and family...what a whacko, I am!!!

Anonymous said...

Anything we say can and will be used against us by our family, which includes people who will deny everything we say, twist every word, and tell EVERYONE from complete strangers to family friends how maladjusted and difficult we are, all while making themselves seem like martyrs and paragons. So as far as I am concerned, we are entitled to a few quirks. What was it George Carlin said... "Just because you are paranoid, it doesn't mean they aren't out to get ya." Just because you are commitment phobic, doesn't mean they aren't out to entrap you.

;)
Anonymous Sister of Anti-Wife

The Anti-Wife said...

Kathie,
We're all whackos in our own peculiar ways. Nothing wrong with that as long as we maintain our perspective - I think!

Anonymous Sister,
This is why you are the only other person in our family who knows about this blog. I think they're maladjusted and difficult. You and I are perfectly normal in a damaged sort of way.