Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Word of the day: Determination!

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Determination: firmness of purpose, will, or intention; a fixed purpose or resolution

Occasionally things happen that make me lose sight of my goals and forget what’s important. Yesterday that happened and it totally discombobulated me for a while. I wanted to run screaming through the streets shouting, “I’m an idiot”, and I wanted to insert lots of descriptive adjectives in front of idiot like stupid, worthless, delusional, unrealistic, etc. I resorted to my old habit of beating myself up and feeling worthless.

In the midst of sitting around, eating chocolate and feeling sorry for myself last night, it occurred to me that I am indeed an idiot. But I’m not an idiot because of any of the adjectives above. I’m an idiot because I allowed one thing – one minor little thing – to throw me into a tizzy and make me lose my focus.

In reality, I am one very lucky and usually happy woman. I have a great job, financial security, wonderful friends, my own house, and 2 very cute dogs. I’ve lost 25 pounds over the last couple of years and am mostly healthy. I even bought a size 8 skirt the other day and since I’m 5’7” tall, I’m looking pretty damned good for a woman in her 50’s!

I’ve lived a life that surprises most people. When I talk about my past, they want to hear more. Knowing me now, it’s hard for them to believe some of the things I’ve done and been through. I’m so different from how I used to be. They think my story is worth telling and that’s why I’m writing my memoirs.

I know it isn’t ready to submit. It doesn’t flow quite right yet, and I still need to go a little deeper in some areas. I know it still needs work. But I also know that my story is worth telling because it’s a story of survival, of taking risks and of hope. I have the time to make it right and I have the determination.

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